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“I hear say our Sai Baba don
return from Turkey”
“Did you hope that he would stay
there permanently? He went for the D-8 meeting, and he is bound to return.”
“D-8 meeting. I have been
thinking about it. We are supposed to be a secular country but internationally,
we have continued to engage with Muslim countries. We belong to the
Organisation of Islamic Countries (OIC) and also the D-8. Internationally, we
are effectively a Muslim country.”
“I don’t think so. In
international diplomacy, it is not a sin for a country to engage at all
possible levels. Nigeria is the most strategic country in Africa with its
population and economy. We have a responsibility to be everywhere in the world,
and make our presence felt.”
“Which presence? There are at
least 48 Turkish companies doing business in Nigeria: schools and hospitals and
et cetera. How many Nigerian businesses can you point to in Turkey?”
“We have our footballers scoring
goals in Turkey.”
“You are not okay.”
“We have our girls too. Nigerian
girls are the most impactful diplomats in the world. They catch the men where
it matters most from Turkey to Italy to London to Washington, back to home.
What this government has not been able to do through diplomacy, our girls in
diaspora are filling the gap, by grabbing the international community by the
balls. I hear our girls are hot and famous.”
“You are talking nonsense. You
are holding women responsible for Nigeria’s problems”.
“Emi ke? God forbid.”
“So what was that all about?”
“He-eerr. I am just saying that
Nigerian leaders should stop junketing all over the world like a yo-yo, and
stop passing that on as performance whereas there is nothing to it. The
President of Nigeria must have the courage to act, and take decisions that will
move the country forward. I am, in fact, surprised Baba went to the D-8 summit
with his wife and children.”
“Are you okay? Baba Bubu has not
done anything wrong by giving Mummy a treat.”
“ I have not said he has done anything
wrong. But he be like say Baba sef don dey enjoy this thing. He promised oh.
Baba promise. But Baba don dey enjoy so tey, him forget promise.”
“The President is a human being.
You people forget that. You keep talking about promise. What promise, I ask?”
“Change.”
“Meaning?”
“Change”
“Nobody ever promised you
change.”
“Tinubu did. The party did. Baba
did.”
“My friend, go and sit down. You
don’t know what is called change. The real change is that President Muhammadu
Buhari is today President of Nigeria and he has every right to do as he
wishes.”
“No. He can’t”.
“You are a fool. Okay, he can do
what he likes for example in the other room. And change does not begin with
him. It begins with you. Comment on that.”
“We are not happy with what is
going on. The party is confused. The APC is divided all the way down the
middle. The President is no longer with us. He has been hijacked by persons who
don’t even belong to the party.”
“You have not commented on the
other room”
“Which other room? Is this
supposed to be a serious conversation? I don’t care what President Buhari does
in his other room. I just want him to stand up like a man and run Nigeria.
There are too many contradictions. His government is tearing itself apart and
it is not funny at all because it gets worse everyday.”
“You can’t blame Baba. It is
those people’s juju. The demons in Aso Villa have grown new wings and we can
all see that.”
“Wait a moment. You are talking
about the spiritual side of Aso Villa. I am in fact surprised that the
President has not been able to return to his office since his staff told us
rats had taken over his office.”
“I hear the rats are still there.
Ogbologbo rats. No-nonsense-rats. Come-and-catch-me rats. The President’s main
office remains under lock and key.”
“So why are we blaming Baba,
then? Nigeria is certainly the only country in the world where the President
has to vacate his office for rats and the rats have continued to exercise
sovereignty rights for more than two months.”
“This thing is not ordinary. Una
no wan listen.”
“Nothing is ordinary anymore in
this country, my brother. Everything just be like anyhow.”
“You say?”
“I say, this their change don
begin change my head. Make man talk true, even if truth kill man. Look at it
now. This same government just reinstated Abdulrasheed Maina, a former pensions
boss, who was declared wanted by the EFCC. He was even promoted. Then two days
later, they say he has been sacked because the President wants some
investigations. How?”
“What do you mean how?”
“I mean a government must have a
mind of its own, and act decisively. No government should run on ad–hoc fuel.
Is Maina a patriot or a villain? We don’t know. A serious government must be
able to take a stand and stand by it. They should stop playing games with our
minds. Must you reinstate a man, give him new hopes and a new lease of life and
then turn him adrift?”
“Hey, hold on. Are you defending
Maina?’
“No. I am condemning
cluelessness. Extreme cluelessness. I ask you: where is the report of the
investigations on the alleged abuse of the office of the Secretary to the
Government of the Federation?”
“You are referring to the grass-cutters
affair? Please pardon me for a moment. It is a lot for me. Grass-cutters. Rats.
Lions. Hyenas. Too many animals in this holy of holies, we live now obviously
in a kingdom of animals, governed by dancing pythons and smiling crocodiles.”
“Speak for yourself”
“I speak what the spirit says.
And I prophesy that there is truth in the words of the Holy Spirit. E just be
like say we don enter One Chance.”
“May be that’s why people are
beginning to commit suicide. For the first time in Nigerian history, ordinary
people are just committing suicide here and there. I feel like writing a book
to be titled: Nigeria: The Years of Suicide.”
“Fine. And I your friend will
write another book immediately and title it: Makobami: the writer who committed
suicide writing about suicide.”
“You don’t get it. One man
committed suicide after his wife gave birth to triplets. He had not been paid
for eleven months!”
“Hen hen. Is that why he should
die? Some other Nigerians would have turned that into a business opportunity.
Is it easy to shoot three in one? I ask you. With all your gra-gra, can you
shoot three at once? If people don’t lend themselves sense in this country,
they will die before death comes calling. I tell my close friends. I tell them,
this thing will pass. This change that has turned to poison in some people’s
mouths, it will also pass.”
“What of the people who just
parked their vehicles and jumped into the lagoon in Lagos? You think Nigerians
will be happy again?”
“Yes, I believe Nigerians will be
happy again.”
“But I hear government is
borrowing money”
“Yes, because people you know
stole the money. Still, Nigeria will rise again.”
“I think the problem is more than
that. I hear the people who claim to have common sense have been told to shut
up”
“Common sense is not common.
Those who claim to have it may just be doing business. Common sense died in
this country long ago.”
“Who is protecting this country,
then?”
“Ordinary people. They should
just allow us to speak.”
“It is their country too”
“Who?”
“The people who don’t want us to
speak”
“It is not their country. They
had the audacity to lie to us. They claimed they would bring change and
transform Nigeria. They promised to kill corruption. They have done the
opposite of what they proposed.”
“Can you stop now? I am in Abuja
to have fun not to get into trouble, this man.”
“You must have the courage to
speak up. We, the voters’ card carrying Nigerians are angry. We want change.”
“You wanted change. You got it.
What other change are you asking for?”
“Change”
“Go and sit down and stop
mouthing empty slogans“
“You must go and talk to Asiwaju”
“I am not going to talk to
anybody.”
“I mean they shut down the man’s TVC
and Radio Continental.”
‘I didn’t hear that.’
“I hear they even want to
withdraw his Villa pass”
“I didn’t hear that”
“I hear the columnists in his
newspaper can no longer write freely”
“I didn’t hear that.”
“In fact, I hear that it is now a
sin to speak freely and that’s why Atiku is now suddenly silent.”
“I didn’t hear that.”
“I hear that Baba Buhari will win
the win 2019 election, whether people like you like it or not.”
“I didn’t hear that”
“What do you ever hear? I am a
street guy. I hear things. Are you in this country at all?”
“Good for you”
“But are you aware by any chance
that Senator Isa Misau is fighting the Inspector General of Police Ibrahim
Idris?.
“I have not paid attention to the
story: something about the IGP befriending two female officers? How is that a
problem? “
“It is unprofessional and
unethical. But there is also a charge of corrupt self-enrichment.”
“Charges against who? The IG or
the Misau?”
“Misau”
“Misau or the IG? Stop worrying
yourself my friend. I am trying to discuss national matters you are focusing on
the Inspector General of Police. Who is he?”
“I am just thinking right now,
may be we should discuss issues that will not get us into trouble.”
“Our job is to get into trouble
with our ideas.”
“God forbid. My mouth will not
take me to detention cell.”
“Don’t’ worry. If the IG
impregnates a female police officer, it is a matter of espirit de corps.
Senator Misau should know that.”
“But the money”
“Which money? Everything is
espirit de corps”
“Have you taken something?”
“Take what? I am saying this is
not America. The Inspector General of Police grabs a police woman and proves
himself to be a man and you are blowing whistle like a eunuch: is this America?
I beg.”
“You are mixing things up. You
don’t get it.”
“I get everything. Nothing is
going to change. This is Nigeria. Nothing ever changes in real terms. Do you
get it? This is Nigeria.”
“Can we talk about something
else, please, to ease your depression? I see you talk like you are depressed.”
“Me? I am not depressed oh.
Nobody can kill the beetle.”
“One of your favourite artists,
Toyin Aimakhu-Abraham lost her dad.”
“That’s sad. My condolences.”
“Asa, the musician, has disclosed
that she lost her virginity at 28.”
“Wow. 28! She is an absolute
genius and a darling. Did she disclose the identity of the victim?”
“No. But I hear 2Face now gives
advice on sex; he recommends the use of condoms”
“That is our Saul on the road to
Damascus. We should make 2Face the next Pope.”
“13 Southern Nigerian Governors
and 3 deputies met in Lagos yesterday.”
“A meeting of strange bed fellows
holding talks, saying nothing.”
“The Federal Government has
decided to confiscate funds in all bank accounts that are not linked to BVNs”
“That is a thief-thief policy.
They are asking for more suicides.”
“I hear George Weah is in Nigeria
to see Pastor Temitope Joshua ahead of the Presidential election rerun in
Liberia.”
“I see. Liberia certainly needs a
miracle.”
“Cristiano Ronaldo has won the
FIFA best player award, beating Messi and Neymar.”
“I don’t watch football…sorry. I
am too busy watching Nigeria.”
“Maina has been sacked.”
“I heard that. Nice chess.”
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ReplyDeleteCrazy! LOL, the gods are wise.
ReplyDelete